@TheAlexP: *brings cake to bed for an after sex treat* Me: want a piece? Her: wrong, whole.

@elle91: They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

@DearAnyone: I think it's fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I'd fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

@ericsshadow: DOCTOR: If you don't exercise, there's really no point in dieting. ME: I can't wait to tell my wife the good news.

@meganamram: My grandma can hold her breath for over sixteen years!