For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
You Might Also Like
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”