For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that