@lecalabara: For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
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@ThisOneSayz: *getting caught filling up neighbor's trash can* Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
@offbeatoliv: Sister: "Family shot time" Me: "Whooo Hoooo....drink drink drink drink!" Sister: [holds up camera] "I want to take a picture" Me: oh
@ZBH94: *On deathbed* Me: Will someone make that beeping stop? Wife: I GOT IT!!!! *pulls plug* Nurse: You only had to press the mute. Wife: I know.
@cupcakelynda: A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they're my age then I find out they're OLD!! Like, THIRTY!! So I killed her.