*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
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Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.