GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
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Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
This kid is going places
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well