Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
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Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
What if all the cashiers are married?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”