The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
You Might Also Like
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”