For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
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me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.