@Ideal_Victoria: For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, "she has your eyes, can't wait for you to meet her" and then I sit back and wait.
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@sadvil: Mark Zuckerberg running for office is a terr… [Mark appears in window holding transcript of any of my convos with a girl in 2009] …ific idea
@jordan_stratton: All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
@Tmoney68: Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes. And stepping in water if you're wearing socks.
@7notyours: Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake. Dog-1 Human-0