For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
You Might Also Like
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
i really liked this one
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
“We will wed,” I threatened
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I have a new favorite meme page
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
pizza
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded