For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
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Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
A man of commitment.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”