For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
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I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.