I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
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People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
i hate you platonically
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children