Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
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Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives