I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
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Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
i will not be silenced
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
But that’s none of my business
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Friday night party time 🥳
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*