For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
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the prophecies have been fulfilled
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
#ProTip
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.