@UnFitz: For Halloween I'm giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids'll be shaving away and then BAM - nougat everywhere.
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@KateWhineHall: 10yo: You know that's not what they mean by exercise, right? Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
@mean_crow: to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
@simoncholland: I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
@DionneMcNutt: There's 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.