*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.