@WendyLiebman: For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that's one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
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@dafloydsta: "DADDY THERE'S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED" [me opening bedroom window] Wife: What are you doing? Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
@TheTobbie: Is it racist that I've been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she's actually 5 white chicks?...
@LeviathanPride: Why did the US invade Iraq when Steven Seagal's ponytail contains 85% of the worlds natural resources?
@InternetHippo: If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away