For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
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My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar