For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
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Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Is fake venison called venisn’t
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail