“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
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Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Happy Febuary everyone!
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.