*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
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*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Pee pressure > peer pressure
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.