For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
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[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Lmfao
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.