@vladchoc: For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say "Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?"
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@painted_eel: *whispers to old lady at Starbucks* one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
@ericsshadow: [on a business trip to South Carolina] Nice to meet you. I'm from Philadelphia. "Welcome to the United States."
@ShaunRightNow: Hooker says $500. I say $50. She walks away. Later, I'm walking with my wife, same hooker sees me and says, I see what you got for $50.
@dmc1138: This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.