For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
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I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.