I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
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Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
What’s a Messi?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Put a ring on it
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.