@juliussharpe: For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician's wife to wave like a normal human being.
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: He won't stop pretending he's Larry King. THERAPIST: Is that true? ME: *turns to camera* We'll hear more of Karen's lies. Up next.
@ShutUpThatsWho: HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it ME: [trying to impress her] I've murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
@Playing_Dad: *sees a spider* I'm going to kill him *turn around to get a shoe* *turns back around and spider has 8 shoes* Alright, let's be cool here