For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
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Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.