For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
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HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it