@CulturedRuffian: For Lent I've decided to give up my New Year's Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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@colegamble: The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
@huntigula: Me: If Obi-Wan's clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn't ghost Obi-Wan naked? My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
@brianbowman73: Sorry I called you an imbecile. I should've realized I would have to explain to you what that means.