For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Life hack
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*