@CulturedRuffian: For Lent I've decided to give up my New Year's Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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@AnkCoupleTO: Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful [2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
@Brampersandon_: Wife: You're so predictable Me: Yeah? I bet u didn't see this coming *I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho* Me: Damn
@Ivsy01: Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.