@jimmy_sharpe: For lunch today I ate three lunches.
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@DaddyJew: Judge: how do you plead? Guy: well usually to my wife Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
@mynameisntdave: GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do? [flash forward to me hitting the pianist's piano with my car] ME: car his keys.
@NickLMao1: How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don't tell anyone about it.