@jimmy_sharpe: For lunch today I ate three lunches.
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@timdonakowski: Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
@caliraingirl: I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.
@scottthetwat: I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.