Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
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Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.