@stuartrutten: For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
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@TheMichaelRock: Me: Where's your maternity section? Her: Over there. How far along is she? Me: Her? I'm shopping for my Thanksgiving pants. Her...
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Me: (swish, swish, swish) Wife: Me: (swish, swish, swish) Wife: Me: (swish, swish, swish) Wife: I hate your corduroys
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.