For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
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Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display