For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
You Might Also Like
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
this is literally a CIA plant
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
August 8
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.