For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
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SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?