@MomOfTeen: For Mother's Day, I told my teens, I'm going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
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@elspetheastman: Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
@weinerdog4life: Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.
@WheelTod: Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
@StevieKnip: [accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom] Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex? [every boy in the class checks their phone]