For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
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I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.