Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
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me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
The booster protects against what, now?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.