“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
yes… yes…
🙂🙃🥹
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?