@woodmuffin: "For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free will!" Everyone starts clapping but they don't know why
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@AndyRichter: Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I'm saying is Batman is a douche
@sixthformpoet: If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
@fightforfood: [dentist's full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?] so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
@WilliamAder: Don't ask me if I have a safety pin if you're going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.