@woodmuffin: "For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free will!" Everyone starts clapping but they don't know why
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@1Happytwit: HR said I'm not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I'm supposed to use though, they wouldn't tell me.
@Marlebean: When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say "oh, I thought she was already dead"
@TeaAndCopy: ME: I hate owls [Owl turns his head 180°] OWL: What? ME: Oh I didn't see you there OWL: Are you talking behind my back? ME: I'm…I'm not sure
@Jacob_Swift16: A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house