For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
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I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
All set.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.