@FattMernandez: For my niece's 7th birthday, I'm filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I'm gonna yell "Oh God! She was pregnant!"
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@jwomackou: Wife: how'd you get that burn on your arm?? Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
@iwearaonesie: [leaving the restaurant] wife me wife me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn't want you to take more than one there'd be a sign