I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
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Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me