here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
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Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?