For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
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commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?