For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
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I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
SF is the wild wild west man
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
*jazz hands*
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle