For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
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“what’s it like having a sister?”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
That 👊
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I wanna be friends with this person
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.