For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
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“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!