For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
You Might Also Like
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.