For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
You Might Also Like
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
peeping toms
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out