For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
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cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Just a phase…
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”