Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
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First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
oppen heimer style lol
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.