My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
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First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Wednesday
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Running from your problems is cardio .