For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
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Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”