FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
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Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER