FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
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You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.