The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
🙄😏😂🤣
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
At least try to make it slightly believable
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*