everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
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I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.