@Ristolable: For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
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@VerifiedDrunk: I'll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus... See ya at the cemetery!
@dreadnaught69: I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used "luckfully" in a tweet and removed all doubt.
@just1fool: I'm gonna insert "comedian" in my bio and have my picture taken on a stage with a microphone in my hand so no one will follow me back.
@better_off_dad: Her: ‘We should have another kid.’ Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon* ‘Say that again in 6 hours.’