For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
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My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.