For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
You Might Also Like
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.