@NateMorrising: For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
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@Fred_Delicious: [at KFC] "One bargain bucket please" "ok sir, and would you like any sides?" "Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out"
@Sal0630: If you've never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you're not me.
@SteveSuckington: [comes home from store] Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess... earmuffs were on sale? Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
@Mikecanrant: *puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine* There you go little guy. Now you're bouncy.