@NateMorrising: For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
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@sageboggs: KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS KANYE: damn ur good
@Marlebean: Sometimes I look at my children and think "What did I do to deserve this?" And other times I think "What did I do to deserve this?"
@Fred_Delicious: [2 dogs eating dinner] "u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great" [stops chewing] "why does this taste like chocolate"
@AndyAsAdjective: My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I'm going to have to get rid of her. At least I'll have my cat to comfort me.